


back when

by fuckyouurie



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Depression, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-24
Updated: 2017-09-24
Packaged: 2019-01-04 22:35:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12177840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fuckyouurie/pseuds/fuckyouurie
Summary: it was almost like brendon had planned it just to say ‘fuck you ryan ross’





	back when

ryan would be lying if he said he had gotten over brendon. sure- he made an effort to try, but evidently to no avail. kept himself busy by going to parties and finding early morning hookups but they only reminded him of the past. their parties, their hookups. all the time ryan spent with brendon was replaced by trying, trying to feel numb, trying to forget, trying to get over him. the kick in the teeth was when brendon turned round to the press and told them about his new ‘girlfriend’ about a month after he let ryan go and threw him to the sharks. the interview aired on their anniversary, and adding the quotes ‘it’s early but i think we’re the best people for each other’ and ryan’s favourite: ‘it’s the best relationship i’ve ever been in’, only made him feel 100% worse. it was almost like brendon had planned it just to say ‘fuck you ryan ross’.

—

ryan would be lying if he said he felt better after leaving panic!. the depression only hit harder, swirling round his head in the early hours of the day leaving him unable to sleep. before the event, ryan could confidently say he was okay- just okay- but now, he wouldn't even have the guts to tell anyone that he was even fine. dan asked him every so often ‘you alright, ry? you’ve gone quiet again’, but he shrugged and gave him a look that let dan know he appreciated the concern; dan was the only person he’d told about the whole situation, from start to finish in messy night of tears and insomnia. it started with ryan playing guitar quietly in a corner of his room with dan (his housemate since the breakup) coming in to ask if he wanted anything to eat, which ryan said he wasn't up to. on its own dan didn't think of it as a problem but after 5 days in a row he thought it best to face ryan about it. the night continued with ryan spilling his heart out and dan cleaning up the mess without a shadow of a doubt that he was going to be there for his best friend until the end. dan could see that he was struggling now more so than ever. brendon moved to the bottom as destructive behaviours shot to the top of ryan’s priority list; and it became obvious. coming home from his job at the local club meant late nights where he saw ryan on the couch, eyes bloodshot from crying, tugging on his sleeves from self proclaimed ‘accidental slip ups’.

—

ryan would be lying if he said he didn't want brendon back. occasionally he’d send a text message just to see if brendon would find the time to reply in his new relationship, but nothing ever came of it. one night, ryan was tired of waiting and decided to click the ‘call’ option. dan only found out he was in contact with brendon because of the shouting coming from ryan’s room, he could hear that things were starting to get heated and that the whole situation would come back to bite ryan in the ass in due time. the line that stuck out to him was on ryan’s end: ‘you don't get to call me a whore, urie!’ and the next morning dan decided to sit ryan down and talk about it, starting by coming out with what he had heard. the next hour flew by as fast as ryan wanted it to, because he again, spilled his feelings out all over the coffee table. telling dan that he missed brendon and would go back to him in a heartbeat- no matter what.

—

ryan would be lying if he said his scars didn't go back as far as 7 years, a habit coming back to him in times of emotional overload and feeling like he wasn’t worth the effort. one day dan found him in the bathroom, door unlocked and bleeding out with his journal on the floor, sorry’s and regrets filling the pages- telling dan in a hazy state that he's ‘not worth the trouble’ and ‘i cant remember what it feels like to be happy’. that was the day dan got into contact with brendon, a rare occurrence that needed to happen. ryan was sat in his hospital bed- sulking that he got the help from dan- waiting for his medical release papers while his housemate sat in the waiting room on the phone. 

‘listen, ryan’s in the worse state i’ve ever seen him in, and that’s something. you need to give him some closure man, come down and find the right words for him. i don't hate you, i have nothing against you- he’s sensitive y’know? i’ll pay for a plane ticket if i need to, he needs this… last night was awful. come to the house, i’ll text you our address, man’

—

brendon would be lying if he said he told the truth to sarah, he said he was going for an interview in the vegas area- which couldn't be further from the reality. he boarded the plane with shaking hands, lugging his suitcase behind him slowly. the stress got to him from trying to figure out what to say to ryan. he thought through the situation. what if ryan didn't want to see him ever again? what if dan ends up throwing him out? what if he dug himself a deeper hole? but before he new it he arrived at the house and stood outside the door for a few minutes, wondering who would answer the door to him and what he would say if it was ryan. thankfully dan was the one who he faced first ‘…its been a while, huh?’. brendon was lead through the living space, up the hallway and towards ryan’s bedroom door- leaving his suitcase by the front door (just in case).

knock, knock, knock.

ryan- there he was. hair splayed out and covering one side of his face, clothes hanging off his frame more than he could ever remember. even if dan didn't tell him anything, he could see straight away that ryan wasn’t okay. but he was taken aback from brendon stood in his doorway, looking as well as ever and just stared, thinking he was dreaming. ‘…how? i-i- why are you here?…’

his mind raced.  
he’s only back to rub it in my face that his life is better than mine  
that he’s in a relationship  
that he’s succeeding  
that he’s okay

**Author's Note:**

> this is kinda rough and venting but i hope u enjoyed it lmao, let me know if you want me to add more


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